I'm too tired to blog much for March 11, 2006. I'll write more on the 12th (it actually is the 12th, but this is for the 11th!). It was two days before my transplant. I honestly don't remember much about those last few weeks. Either I was too sick to comprehend them much, or the anesthesia and transplant trauma wiped out the last few weeks of my pre-transplant life. I'm basing my memories on the overall life before transplant and fill-ins from what I have been told.
For tonight I am just going to say that I know on March 11, 2006 it was a Saturday. I never liked Saturday's. I don't know why...they were just like almost any other day except the TV shows were all different. They seemed to drag on FOREVER. Plus, my mom usually went grocery shopping or out to run other errands so I would get kind of lonely. That just describes how much my life was so limited. It all revolved around surviving...just getting through one minute, one hour...from one TV show to the next. There was nothing I looked forward to. I was glad when I slept, and not happy to be awake! There was nothing to live for, at least not that I felt!
The difference now? I fight sleep! I want to be awake more often than not. I have too much to do to sleep. Sleep? Who has time for that? I have a website to launch, fans to keep updated, friends to connect with, people to see, errands to run, projects to work on, phone calls to make, e-mails to answer...oh, can't forget about my Frontier...can't let the chicken go hungry, gotta cure the pox...oh wait, it's 6 PM...have I even had a snack all day to supplement my tube feedings? Dang, it's time to hook up. I don't have the time to hook up! Wait...tomorrow I am supposed to do what? But I want to do that now while it's on my mind and I know I am anxious to get it done. Must I stop what I am doing? Which project do I make priority? They are all priorities and I wanted to have them all done last week! What is on TV these days anyway? Carissa time? HA! I've gone to the OTHER end of the spectrum! Now I am trying to make up for what I lost!
It's all become background noise...the TV isn't how I pass the time or define my days and time. My days tend to fly by too quickly now because they are so full of...something! Something productive. Something with hope and a future. Something that could change the world. Something selfless and others focused. Something that keeps my heart beating with passion...and sometimes with anxiety and stress! :) But nonetheless, I love it. I love life. I love waking up with things to do and I hate going to sleep until it's all done. It will never be done, so I prefer not to sleep. Of course, that only lasts so long......and then I find myself asleep on the keyboard in the middle of a project, e-mail, or FB message...sometimes I read my outbox and think to myself...what was I thinking??? I was obviously half asleep. I have woken up in the middle of the night with my fingers still on the keyboard and a completely nonsensical message halfway completed. Good thing I never hit send...I push myself to the ultimate end until I literally, drop off to sleep. I just enjoy being awake and enjoying every moment I have. I don't want to sleep through them...even the tough ones I want to face up front. I'm not quite THAT strong though...I DO have my days when I just prefer to take my "happy drugs" and just sleep it all off. I just know it will all still be there when I wake back up, but I'm ok with that. I can handle it now. It's not too much for me and I welcome the challenge. There is way too much GOOD in my life to let life bring me down for long. Sure, I get down, but it doesn't take long for me to get back up anymore because I know I don't have the time for that...and speaking of sleep...more blogging later on the 12th...hopefully on the actual 12th and not the 13th!
No comments:
Post a Comment